I Use To...

One thing that I have struggled with since this crazy journey of being a twin mom started is being something other than just a mom of twins.  I love being mother of twins it is both the most amazing and difficult thing I have ever done in my life, but I am more than just a mom of twins.  I am a wife to the best husband a person could ever dream of having, I am a mother of a fantastic son that is almost 11, I am a person who loves to get outdoors and do anything, fish, camp, take pictures, or just get out and mess around.  Nothing drives me more crazy than being stuck in the house!!!  It has been hard to be the person I use to be, I have been stuck in the house, well I could have got out, but leaving the house comes with so many sorts of craziness only a mother of twins could begin to understand, and by the time I have the twins ready and loaded in the car seats I sit there in the driver's seat and take a deep breathe and am exhausted and just think to myself... why do I do this to myself it would be so much easier to stay home.  If I do stay home I feel guilty that I am not getting all my boys out in the world to experience things and have fun, I feel like a person that is not allowing my kids to get out because it may be a little, well maybe more like VERY, difficult for me.  I do not work outside the house, but damn I work hard inside this home to keep this family happy.  I want all my children to have great memories of things that their mom and dad took them to do, I want then to learn from it and do the same with their families.  One thing that keeps coming to mind though is I use to... there is so many things that follow that, and I think that is my main struggle.  I used to... load up and go where ever, when ever with ease, go fishing with my hubby, at the last minute decide lets load up and go camping, sit and watch each of Ethan's games without interruptions or feeling guilty that dad couldn't come because he stayed home with the twins so I wouldn't miss out, coach his soccer team without worry of who was going to watch the twins for me, go hang out at the lake and just sit and relax with no worries, be lazy on days when I didn't feel the best, sit and watch and entire movie with the family without interruptions, have time to myself to sew, scrapbook, or just think, and so many more.  So here I am no longer able to do so  many of those things with the ease I use to, but I have more.  I have two more sons to love, and make a huge impression on who they will become.  So I need to get over the past and all the things I gave up or lost, stop worrying about the future and how and if I will get them back, and focus on the more important, the here and now of it all.  The fact is I am here, and so lucky to have my three sons and my husband, and that is where I need to put my energy.  I need to strive to be the best, not mother of twins, but mother and wife that I can be.  So yes I am a mother of twins, I am a mother of three sons, I am a wife, and I am a person who loves so much and I USE TO DO so much, but now I WILL DO so much more!!!