Wednesday, June 16, 2010


I guess that there is just something about turning 29 and having twins in the same year that will make you stop and think where am I and where the hell am I going???  If you would have asked me if I had it all figured out a few years ago I would have said yes, but now, hmmm not so sure, I never would have imagined myself here with three kids, where I am living now.  We had a home which I swore we would live in forever, and I had my oldest son which I swore would be my only!!!  WOW how things change, now I am not in that house and I have three sons! *SHOCK*  I am not sure what happen but life went all crazy on me and I didn't even really realize it until a year after it happened.  We moved from our first "home" and we added not one...but two lil' boys to our family all within the same year, oh and I graduated from college.  Doesn't really seem like that big of deal right, well to me I guess it is.  I am glad that I finally came around and agreed with Jeff that we should have "just one more", it doesn't even feel like I really accomplished school at all, and I miss our "home" like non other!!!  So maybe it is just that it all happen so close together and I didn't get to ease into any of it or absorb what the hell hit me, or maybe I just feel like for all that has changed I should have more answers as for what is to come.  Now yes our house was nice but I really think it was more the feeling of it being "home" that I miss the most.  I absolutely hate the feeling of not being home, which is how I feel now, I know I will not live here forever so I just seems like I am hanging here in limbo waiting to make a move... but where.?.  Well, I have no idea where, and that is what drives me crazy!  And as for the twins, I have discussed that before, world turned upside down, crazy busy, exhausted, ya know all that same ole stuff I have blogged before, but it really is an amazing and wonderful experience even though it did come with some damn hard challenges.  And getting to me graduating college, I don't even know how I feel about that.  I should be proud, happy, and a sense of accomplishment.  I do feel like I accomplished something, something I can tell my kids that see I did it you can too, but it was something I think I sold myself short on, and something I could have done better with.  I graduated with a diploma in Business Tech./Medical Transcription from a local community college, and it is something that I look forward to starting.  The thing about it that leaves me feeling like I sold myself short is that it was not at all a dream for me, I guess I would be prouder saying I wanted this so bad and I finally made it.  A dream for me would have been photography and journalism...which I guess I just gave up on years ago for lack of confidence of being able to make a career of it, another dream would have been a Accounting which I dropped classes for before I even started for the lack of confidence that I could do it and made so many excuses as for why I couldn't do it.  So yeah I am proud I can tell my kids I graduated college, but a bit ashamed that I tell and will tell them they can be anything they want to be and I didn't have the guts to go for it  myself.  So why the confusion, feelings of being lost, and fear of no idea where the hell I will end up???  Here I am 29, married, family of 5 and living in a town I really don't care to stay in, in a house that does not feel like "home", and I feel like I should have it all figured out, I should know just where I am headed.  But I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and that all the decisions we make will lead us to where we are met to be, but I just thought I would have the answers by now.  I guess I just will keep telling myself that it doesn't really matter where we are it is that we are here together as a family and that really is all that matters, and someday all this chaos will make sense, and I will someday look back and think how silly it was that all this drove me so crazy. 

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