I Use To...

One thing that I have struggled with since this crazy journey of being a twin mom started is being something other than just a mom of twins.  I love being mother of twins it is both the most amazing and difficult thing I have ever done in my life, but I am more than just a mom of twins.  I am a wife to the best husband a person could ever dream of having, I am a mother of a fantastic son that is almost 11, I am a person who loves to get outdoors and do anything, fish, camp, take pictures, or just get out and mess around.  Nothing drives me more crazy than being stuck in the house!!!  It has been hard to be the person I use to be, I have been stuck in the house, well I could have got out, but leaving the house comes with so many sorts of craziness only a mother of twins could begin to understand, and by the time I have the twins ready and loaded in the car seats I sit there in the driver's seat and take a deep breathe and am exhausted and just think to myself... why do I do this to myself it would be so much easier to stay home.  If I do stay home I feel guilty that I am not getting all my boys out in the world to experience things and have fun, I feel like a person that is not allowing my kids to get out because it may be a little, well maybe more like VERY, difficult for me.  I do not work outside the house, but damn I work hard inside this home to keep this family happy.  I want all my children to have great memories of things that their mom and dad took them to do, I want then to learn from it and do the same with their families.  One thing that keeps coming to mind though is I use to... there is so many things that follow that, and I think that is my main struggle.  I used to... load up and go where ever, when ever with ease, go fishing with my hubby, at the last minute decide lets load up and go camping, sit and watch each of Ethan's games without interruptions or feeling guilty that dad couldn't come because he stayed home with the twins so I wouldn't miss out, coach his soccer team without worry of who was going to watch the twins for me, go hang out at the lake and just sit and relax with no worries, be lazy on days when I didn't feel the best, sit and watch and entire movie with the family without interruptions, have time to myself to sew, scrapbook, or just think, and so many more.  So here I am no longer able to do so  many of those things with the ease I use to, but I have more.  I have two more sons to love, and make a huge impression on who they will become.  So I need to get over the past and all the things I gave up or lost, stop worrying about the future and how and if I will get them back, and focus on the more important, the here and now of it all.  The fact is I am here, and so lucky to have my three sons and my husband, and that is where I need to put my energy.  I need to strive to be the best, not mother of twins, but mother and wife that I can be.  So yes I am a mother of twins, I am a mother of three sons, I am a wife, and I am a person who loves so much and I USE TO DO so much, but now I WILL DO so much more!!!

Exploring...

     

Amazing that we have lived just a few miles from this spot for years now and never stopped to check it out.  Why???  My guess would be we thought we were to busy, or would do it another day.  Well now the boys and me are always up for an adventure.  What more do we have to do???  This place was so beautiful, these pictures don't even begin to show it, I had a baby in my arms for most of the walk so I didn't get near as many pictures as I wanted, but we WILL go back for more.  So previously I had school work, or something to keep me busy all day, now I have the twins and Ethan, and the twins get very bored just sitting around the house, as does mama, so we get out as much as we can.  We go for walks, to the park, and now good ole google is showing us some history is in the area so...LETS GO EXPLORE!!!  This place is part of the Mormon Trail, it is a gorgeous park with a pond, well several if they fill the rest of them, big pretty trees, flowers, and clay sculptures.  There was wide open spaces to run and play so the boys were off, all four of them,  Ethan brought a friend, and then of course the twins, and ya know they all went in separate directions, ugh this mama was sore the next day from carrying these lunkers all over.  It is so hard to take the twins places, but I will continue to do it, for them as well as for me!!!  We need to get out, and there is so much for us to see, and it is worth all the trouble just to see them smile and run and have fun where ever we go.  And for me, well it gives me great things to take pictures of, and then play around with later.  Oh if I only had more time I would do way more edits on my pictures, but dang I sit down and sort through my pics and before I know it it is 11:00 pm, and the boys get up around 6:00 am so much later than that and I would be hurting the next day.  I keep taking them and editing a few here and there, one day I will take some time and do something really grand with them!!!  Something about having twins and turning 29 that gets you back into 'a much loved hobby, call it a mid-life semi crisis.  Not so much a full crisis, but you realize what time you wasted, and how much more I really could have accomplished before the twins.   Now I am pretty tied down with them, and I wish I would have done more for myself when I had the chance.  Ethan was in school all day, I had my school work, but I had extra time as well, I could have been out taking all sorts of pictures, I could have been at the gym each day, I could have done so much!!!  But I didn't so here I am balancing the twins and doing things for myself, and am crazy busy trying to balance it all.  But what I have found is in the beginning I took not time for myself, it was all about the boys 24/7 and I was a wreck of a mama, and now I take time a few mornings a week to hit the gym, and I get out with the boys to walk, go to the park, or take some snapshots, and a  hour or so each night to sort through my pictures, learn more about them, and play around with a bit of editing here and there.  And you know I am a much better mama for it, and I would say wife too, I was getting a bit grumpy...poor hubby!!!

              

         

         

My lil' goofs...

Fishing for puppy...

I see you brother...

We are rocking these hats...

Just messing...

I have been waiting for a sunny day to go to the park and get some good pictures of the boys, finally it came.  We didn't have much time to play and explore, but we the boys had fun, and mama got tons of pictures.  We went to the rose garden in the park, to bad the roses weren't all bloomed yet, but it was still so pretty and there were lots of things for the boys to see and they even got a sniff of a  rose, and Dylan got to feel the rose bush.  I had daddy line them up under a trellis walkway to have them walk towards me so I could get a really sweet shot of them, well Mr. Dylan tripped and grabbed a hold of a rose bush, YIKES.  It wasn't as bad as it could have been, and he didn't fuss to much, but the poor thing got a couple of scrapes.   The picture that I am sharing with you is of them walking along, and thinking of climbing, a fountain.  The reason I chose this spot is not only because it is a really beautiful place, but when Ethan was little we took him here for a day of picture taking.  I have some cute pictures of him sitting on top of this very fountain, and playing in this area.  It is to bad I don't have them on digital to share them as well, they are so similar. 

I loved watching the boys run and play here, I hate our yard and the park where we live is far from pretty.  So it was really great to just let them run and play and get awesome pics from every angle, with no ugliness in the background. 

The Big Party...

I planned and planned for months this great big party with tons of guest and lots of fun. Now the party has come and gone, and as the night goes on Dylan and Ashton's Birthday is coming to an end as well. It was a great party with great decorations, cake, family and friends, and lots of presents, but most important two babies that have grown into little boys in this short time. Why such a big celebration??? Well there are many reasons, one is that it is a big deal to turn 1, another it was a great reason to get the family together and meet the twins and share this day of celebration with them *the more the merrier*, and really in a way it was just to celebrate that we made it and how far we have come. The sleepless nights of being up with two crying babies, not knowing what they wanted or needed, and now I have to little boys who play and "talk", and walk and run, and show so much love and it has all been worth it!!! It has been hard, it has been wonderful, it has been stressful, and it has been amazing to watch these two learn and grow in leaps and bounds. It is so qleche, but it seems like only yesterday they were propped up in their Boppy's drinking bottles every two hours, and now they are walking all over and sitting at the table having meals with the family. I swore I would not miss the baby stages, and I am not sure I would like to revisit those crazy first few months but I do wish that they weren't such a blur *exhaustion*, but I did find myself having a hard time with the thought of today ending, as if tomorrow will be any different, but it's just one more milestone that has come and gone. Silly really but it is as if they were babies yesterday but now they are 1 and are little boys. So as I kissed my boys goodnight I told them night night my birthday boys and tucked them in, knowing that there will be no more birthday planning, no more singing and cake, and now more birthday kisses for an entire year, I am sure it will be here before I know it. But we had a great day, it was lots of fun, and the party turned out great, and the year is over, we made it!! It is hard for people who don't have twins to understand just how it is (twin moms refer to the first year as survival year), and how everything instantly becomes so much more complicated, how hard it is to care for both of them AT THE SAME TIME, and how at times it felt like I couldn't give them both the amount of attention they deserve so for me a big party was in order. My boys are growing and though still things are very complicated at times I don't feel stretched so thin, they aren't as needy so I can just sit and play or read a book with them and give them each a little one on one time, which is something I struggled with in the early months. It seemed impossible one of them wanted something all the time, and at the same time, it seemed like there was no time to just sit and play, read, or sit and snuggle. So here is to the next year being even better, more fun times, more family fun times!!! I love all my boys and am really looking forward to this next year, and this summer, and being able to do more and get out more and take Ethan more places again.

My lil' Thing 1 & Thing 2

Cake Time...

My Cake Smashers...

Ashton...

Dylan...

What A Big Day...

Lots of cake, presents, and fun made these little boys very tired. As we sat and opened presents they sat on mommy and daddy's lap and watched, they played in the paper and with the toys even though they were ready for a nap. They even put their cool new shades on show off how cute they were!!!

A year ago tonight...

Tomorrow is the big day for the twins...1st Birthday!!! It is 10:00 pm, and exactly one year ago we were on the way to the hospital. I have been thinking all day about what we were doing a year ago, and how we went along the entire day with no idea what events would follow that night. I can't remember what we did that day, but I can remember that night very well. We were doing what we did most nights when Jeff was home, laying in bed watching TV, that is about all I could do at that point, and even that was uncomfortable. I could not stay awake for anything so I was dozing off and then I jumped a bit, Jeff asked me why I did that. I told him one of the babies kicked me really funny and it woke me up, well come to find out it wasn't a kick. Ready or not they were on their way!!! Jeff got Ethan out of bed and carried him to the Suburban and we off, off so fast we forgot to grab Ethan shoes*oops*. Ethan stayed at grandma's while we were waiting for his new brothers to arrive. We got to the hospital and I was a bit nervous to say the least, I had no idea what was going to happen, when, or how long it was going to take. I got in a room and got settled in and from there it just seemed like no time at all and next thing I new there we were it was time to finally meet our 2 little monkeys. I was hoping and kind of expecting things to go smoothly and there was no way anybody was sticking a needle into my spine, yeah that was a bad idea. Dylan came to meet the us at 3:31 am he oh what a cutie he was and what a relief it was to see him, but then we got the news that Ashton had flipped and they were going to have to put me under for an emergency Cesarean. I was petrified of having a Cesarean but at this point I was so tired, and the anesthesiologist kept telling me they were going to put me out, I remember at one point telling her I was ready. I was tired, in major pain, and ready to be knocked out. Ashton came at 3:46 am, but the poor boy wasn't met by his mama or his daddy who got kicked out of the operating room for the procedure *sad*. I am not sure what time it was when I finally woke up to meet them, but I remember being half awake and having Jeff put them next to me I couldn't even hold them but it was wonderful just to see them. So that is what this family was up to a year ago tonight!

Another One of Ethan...

Every time I blog I look for some shots of Ethan, but have a hard time finding them due to him being off with the guys most the time. Today I got a good one!!! We went to the Camp Pawnee to check out the place again before the twins' birthday party to see what all we need to decorate, and while we were there we took some time to play around and shoot some pictures. I had my nieces with me as well, so they were running around and hiding behind the trees, I knew if I shot enough I would catch an AWESOME shot of Ethan, and I did, and some of my nieces as well. A little background on me and my picture taking is in order I think. Well I take tons of pictures at ever event, or place we go. We go on a walk and I grab my camera, we go in the backyard to play, yup the camera goes too. I have so many pictures I take literally hundreds, some times thousands in a month, depending on what we do in a month. Oh and if we go camping or fishing there may be a hundred in one day. Anyways I have always loved taking pictures, if I could pick a dream job... photography would be it. Now I have tons and tons of pictures on my computer and what to do with them??? I started this blog to share pictures and stories of things that we do as a family, and plan to print it into a hardbound book each year, which this year has been more about surviving with the twins, but I just started photo editing. So far I am loving playing around with my pictures to make them more original and be a little more exciting.

SLURP...

We have now learned that food is also fun!!! First came learning to slurp, oh yeah that was funny to watch brother and laugh, then it was even funnier to slurp it and then spit it out and re-slurp it. And wow do they think each other is so funny. They giggle and giggle it is the cutest thing. But now meals have taken on an entire new dynamic...PLAYTIME!!!

Ethan...

Ethan does not have many pictures on here so I will throw this one in. Why you ask, well he is 10 and has way more important things to do than hang around letting mom get cute pics of him. He is usually off playing football or baseball with his friends while the babies are posing for pics in the park. One day they will play with each other more, I can't wait. He is a great big brother to his little brothers. I am so proud of the way he is with them and the sweet things he says. The best thing ever he has said was a conversation we had about when they all get older and the relationship that they will have. I told him that I hope that they would be the best of friends and do lots of things together, even after they all have families ( I know so many years away), he looked at me and said "oh we will mom", like duh mom how else would it be. I can only hope that is how it all works out for my three wonderful boys.

The Best Part...

We have made many trips to that park. We walk in the park, we go down the slide at the park, we play in the grass at the park... but the best part it always the same, SWINGS!!! When pushed they laugh, when you stop they just look around at each other and all that is around them, and they smile and "talk" to each other. It really is one of the sweetest things you could ever see.

The Little Things...

It just amazes me to watch them learn and explore!!!

Everything is such a wander in their eyes!!!