Hit me like a wall...

While I was looking for a picture that I had taken of them last summer, and ended  up taking some time looking through months of pictures. I came across pictures of them when they were little with their fuzzy lil' heads and cute baby faces, and it hit me like a wall... I didn't get to enjoy it like I could have.  I feel so damn stupid for feeling sorry for myself and always being so sad and stressed out.  I wish I would have just sucked it up asked for some help so I could have got some sleep and enjoyed my babies more. Time went so fast, and back then I swore I would NEVER miss that stage of their life, what was I crazy, how could I not miss them adorable cuties and all their firsts. What I don't miss is all the sleepless nights and sitting home alone with no support while Jeff was at work.  I am lucky he was as amazing as he was when he was able to be with us or I have no idea how I would have coped with it all.  I also found a group of amazing twin moms on-line who were really great and in about the same shape I was at the time.  I could have made more of it all though, I could have reached out for help rather than sit here and and struggle, I am just no good at that.  I think that if people want to be there they will be, I hate asking for help!  I am a stay-at-home mom, and I guess I felt like asking for help would be like me admitting defeat, and that I had failed at doing my "job".  I know there is nothing I can do now but live for today and enjoy every moment, which I have been doing the last few months. I have had enough with sitting here waiting for Jeff to be home, just to sit here and have him be awake for a few hours then off to work.  Hell no I have parents that love me to visit, and live in a beautiful part of the country with so much for the boys to see and experience..  A part of me feels guilty for leaving and doing things like that while Jeff is stuck here working, but you know I think it is more important for this mama to stay saine and get her kids out of the house, they hate sitting here as much as I do.  I am just really disappointed with myself at the moment, and can't believe there was so much of that first six months that were a blur because I was so damn tired with no sleep, I was so frustrated with how hard things were I know there were times I didn't stop to take the time to "enjoy" things like I should have.