Discover...

I feel so bad that I can't...or don't take the boys out more, it is just so hard on my own when they run in opposite directions from me. Besides it being hard it is down right scary, really I can not be in two places at once no matter how hard I try. Anyways, the point of this blog is I have been wanting to take the twins here with daddy for months at it has been extremely hot, or the mosquitoes would eat you alive so we haven't made it. One time this spring we went with big brother and one of his friends, which met the last thing brother wanted to do was help chase babies...excuse me toddlers *laugh*, I did get some amazing photos last time, which is hard to believe with all the chasing that was going on. We finally had a cool, breezy, mosquitoe-less day and we hit the spot!!! It is just a wide open area of trees, flowers, and some wild turkeys and a peacock and it is gorgeous. We unloaded out of the Suburban and it was instant woo we are free, and the chase was on for this mama and Dada. It was sweet to see, I have had a rough few days, well months but the last few days have been non to be desired with all the attitude and tantrums going on and daddy at work. Grrrrr damn that night shift!! So babies off and running through the tall grass and weaving in and out of the trees, not knowing which way to go next, so much to see and explore, they picked up leaves, sticks, and feathers, well Dylan did anyways heehee. So there is a story behind these pictures of the feathers that I swear I will never forget. I am following Ashton (in the green) and daddy has Dylan (in the navy), Ashton and I come across this feather, bends down, reaches............and a breeze blows the feather and it completely flips in the air, that was that NO WAY was he touching it. Ashton takes a couple of steps back, does his (impossible to explain how cute this is) oh no...ah...what... how...gasp...(pic 2)telling you something with hes blah goo aha blabs and has this look of shock and wonder on his face then walks around the feather. This has to go down as one of the most precious, cute, and funny moments, and so I picked up the feather and we walked on to find daddy and Dylan. We walk and come across daddy and Dylan and they too have found a wild turkey feather, daddy points it out and Dylan could really care less just looks and starts pointing at the log (pic 1)and "talking" about who knows what, but me as the complete photo taking junkie I am has to get a photo with Dylan and his feather too I pick up the feather and show them both and set it back down and they both just stare at it like what is that silly thing and why on earth does mama want us to see it so badly (pic 3). Really it was simple chain of events but I found it to be so sweet and just what I needed after a weekend of stress-filled days with daddy at work and me on my own. I seem like they just know...okay we have been terribly hard on mama now we need to have some moments of sweetness to balance it all out and make her think awwww. I know that is a bit far fetched but that is the way it works every time, I get to that how in the hell can I do this moment and then it just becomes clear that this is just life, and all the rough times pass and lead up to these sweet moments that hold a dear place in this mamas heart and will forever be in my memories.  I loved having the boys out and watching their minds just go all over with wonder and exploring every leaf, tree, and even stickers *OUCH*.  I just have to tell myself these hard times shall pass, but with it will be all these first and new discoveries. 

We survived it...

We had our big week long camping trip and we survived!!!  Okay to be honest the twins stayed at grandma and granpa's for two nights, and that gave us some time for some much needed relaxation, time with Ethan one night, and one night with just Jeff and I.  I was expecting more out of the trip, but I guess I really should have know a trip with the twins would be difficult to say the least.  I had a list of things that I wanted to accomplish and for the most part I got to most everything, the list was a day on my "big ass" floaty" with Ethan and Jeff, a night of fishing with Jeff, and roasting marshmallows with all the boys.  Well we had an evening to fish just Jeff and I, but it wasn't how I envisioned it but still was nice to have the night alone.  Really I should have known you don't just sit, talk, and fish, but we still had a chance to talk and hang out childless which is always nice.  One night we just had Ethan with us and that was the night I was most looking forward to... just the three of us, like old times, well Ethan got a stomach ache and spent most the night in the camper while Jeff and I sat by the campfire *I GOT SOME AWESOME PICTURES OF THAT*, I really hate that Ethan wasn't feeling better to enjoy some time with us.  Now the "big ass" floaty, oh hell yeah that was the best part of it all!!! I was a carefree sun loven' mama for a few hours, I have literally been looking forward to that since the twins were born.  I have no clue what it is but if I could choose to do most anything in would be sit on my floaty, in the sun, on a beautiful lake, and just chill watching Ethan and Jeff do what ever it is they may decide to do in between chilln' with me and swimming.  This trip they were catching shad with the throw net, what a sight.  It was one of those moments for the father son scrapbook!!!  Ugh which reminds me we have two more sons to add, geesh I barely got the one son done in it. *laugh*  So if I had to rate the trip I would say, minus all the stress I really didn't need to put on myself, it was an eight!!!  Now the saddest part is it was the last trip in our lil' camper *sad*, we have outgrown it to say the least!  Two beds for the five of us is way way way cramped, and there was no where near the storage we needed, but we had it for five years and sold it for more than we bought it for so I would say we came out on top.  I know it was what we needed and we will end up with a nicer camper, but it was sad to see it get pulled away, and it is so odd to come home and see no camper parked out back.  Oh I hope we find a new one before next May, I am hoping for a Daddy BDay camping trip!!!  So really the summer has ended for this family and we just have to look forward to next year and the new and fun things that will come for us, and hope that next summer is less stressful and a bit more fun that this one was. 

Hit me like a wall...

While I was looking for a picture that I had taken of them last summer, and ended  up taking some time looking through months of pictures. I came across pictures of them when they were little with their fuzzy lil' heads and cute baby faces, and it hit me like a wall... I didn't get to enjoy it like I could have.  I feel so damn stupid for feeling sorry for myself and always being so sad and stressed out.  I wish I would have just sucked it up asked for some help so I could have got some sleep and enjoyed my babies more. Time went so fast, and back then I swore I would NEVER miss that stage of their life, what was I crazy, how could I not miss them adorable cuties and all their firsts. What I don't miss is all the sleepless nights and sitting home alone with no support while Jeff was at work.  I am lucky he was as amazing as he was when he was able to be with us or I have no idea how I would have coped with it all.  I also found a group of amazing twin moms on-line who were really great and in about the same shape I was at the time.  I could have made more of it all though, I could have reached out for help rather than sit here and and struggle, I am just no good at that.  I think that if people want to be there they will be, I hate asking for help!  I am a stay-at-home mom, and I guess I felt like asking for help would be like me admitting defeat, and that I had failed at doing my "job".  I know there is nothing I can do now but live for today and enjoy every moment, which I have been doing the last few months. I have had enough with sitting here waiting for Jeff to be home, just to sit here and have him be awake for a few hours then off to work.  Hell no I have parents that love me to visit, and live in a beautiful part of the country with so much for the boys to see and experience..  A part of me feels guilty for leaving and doing things like that while Jeff is stuck here working, but you know I think it is more important for this mama to stay saine and get her kids out of the house, they hate sitting here as much as I do.  I am just really disappointed with myself at the moment, and can't believe there was so much of that first six months that were a blur because I was so damn tired with no sleep, I was so frustrated with how hard things were I know there were times I didn't stop to take the time to "enjoy" things like I should have. 

Can't Wait...

I am preparing for our third, but biggest camping trip with the twins!  Last year we did take them twice, but they were just weeks old the first trip, and then a couple months the second trip, so really we didn't do a lot besides give bottles and change diapers hehehe.  This year I have taken the boys to the lake several times, and they LOVE it, but we have yet to take them camping this year.  I will be packing up the boys and heading west in a couple days and we will stay with grandma and grandpa and have some fun in the sun at the lake and in their nice big backyard, then four days later I will be making the drive back to get daddy and the camper and then the real fun begins!!!  We will have a week camping and the boys will be surrounded by nothing but family and the beautiful hills and lake, I can't imagine a better place to be for a week.  There are so many things I want to experience with the boys while we are there, but so little time.  I want to take them swimming, have campfires, take walks, build sand castles, and look at the stars and moon.  You can see so many more stars and they are so bright there just amazing to sit and see so many falling stars in one night.  Ohhh so many wishes to make with my three handsome boys!!!  This will also be our last trip in our camper, sadly we have outgrown it and it is time for an upgrade, and it will be supporting a for sale sign come tomorrow.  Don't get me wrong I am excited to get something bigger and better, this camper is our first and just carries lots of fun memories.  So time to go and finish packing and preparing for the fun weeks ahead!!!