Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Where to go from here...

Many of times I have heard so many twin moms say they have "lost" themselves along this crazy journey of twin motherhood, it is understandable and so very saddening.  I think I have covered this before, but it is something that pops in and out of our minds frequently, so what the hell here we go again.  What makes this ugly lil' monster rear its head today?  Hmm where do I start?  First you have the holiday stress, then you have the New Year...New beginnings, then do I dare admit this.... ugh turning 30 soon!  Needless to say my mind has not stopped for months now, and really it is doing me no good thinking about it, but I just can't shut it off.  So here I am rambling on my blog to my fellow twin mama readers, because they are sure to know just what I am talking about.  First no I am not "lost", as I said I have covered this before in one fine quote, "Life is not about finding yourself, Life is about creating yourself".  My new motto, and what gets my mind back into positive mode, amazing how one sentence can be so empowering.  Here it is all laid out, first off all holidays are just crazy stressful, enough said there.  New Year...New beginnings, ugh now that is depressing because last year wasn't that great and we are only into this year four days and it seems as though it is running pretty much parallel to the last.  I know, I know, it could be worse, I am grateful, I know I have it pretty good, and not much I should really complain about, minus all the damn stress and craziness that goes in and out of all my days!  I am hoping this year is better, or I guess, different would be a better term.  Less stress with the twinadoes would be great, Jeff having better hours would really help tremendously, and a move would be great!  I am no loven' where I am at, no feeling the hours Jeff works, and the twins...holy crap they are wearing this mama down FAST!  I don't get where they come up with the things they do, I find myself saying "NO" a million times a day, followed by "Things would be so much simpler if you would just be nice to brother, and listen to mama".  Really simple concept, they just haven't caught on yet. *ugh, soon hopefully*  Okay time to the big bomb!!!  TURNING 30 in just over a month.  For those who know me would know I have been dreading this day since I turned 23, yes 23 was my wake up call that those years are just gonna keep rolling at me.  I am not ready to say I am *gulp* 30.  All these things are just a reminder that time passes, and with passing time there is always wasted time.  Time that could have been better spent and more opportunities that I let pass me by.  Funny how it all works now that I look back on it all, it is like that commercial for college that says "I don't have any money because I don't have a job, I don't have a job, because I never went to college, I can't go to college because I don't have any money."  So what did I do, work, then I finally realized that was getting me nowhere so I went back to school, then had twins, and still nowhere.  Okay it isn't as bad as that sounds but still there is regret.  I wish I would have asked myself what I wanted out of life, what direction I wanted it to go.  Really come on what was I thinking?  Clearly I wasn't thinking much beyond the end of that week, stupid me!  Had I just asked myself that I could have totally redirected my path to a much brighter present.  Now this is all sounding pretty gloom, it isn't that bad.  Life is good, family is great, but my dreams have been long lost and now I am turning 30 and all I can do is blame myself, and think of what could have been with some better planning.  My family now no way I would change that, but I can tell you this mama would have a photography business, and would have moved from this area years ago.  No sense in dwelling on it, though I find it hard not to, just need to move on and make up for lost time!  I guess even at 30 a mama can reach out for her dreams, it is much harder, but hey I have twins...NOTHING SCARES ME, well except for turning 30.  Really not much to change just relocate and a hobby to pursue, easy huh.  Thankful that I have a wonderful husband beside me, and three amazing and healthy sons right there with us!  Really what more do I need, nothing but me standing in my way, so this New years new beginnings are about seizing every opprotunity and not letting one precious moment pass me by!

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